KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
reviewed some movies recently
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“Morning, how was your weekend?”