Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
You Might Also Like
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Expect the unexporcupine.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.