Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
same vibe as tangled headphones
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.