“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
(more comics:
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.