I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
This is painfully accurate 😅
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?