Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I think I’ll stand
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle