Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater