landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
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[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
incredible text to wake up to
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.