Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
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*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”