The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.