*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
(more comics:
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome