My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Only short people can save us
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.