My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
You Might Also Like
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹