If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
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I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.