They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.