Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows