Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My safe word is Worcestershire
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
work smarter, not harder