New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
don’t we all
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”