I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.