I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
You Might Also Like
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
respect
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.