adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.