A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.