I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
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My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
live, laugh, laundry.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.