Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.