MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Pat is about to own someone
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.