If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}