I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
dictator is short for richard potato
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I just love that new Pope smell.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off