WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Gods work.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.