I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Just how popey was the pope today?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.