I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me