Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Ironic
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”