I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You Might Also Like
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔