I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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Liquor Store Parking
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Yes, this is exactly right
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing