I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)