This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
R.I.P.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do