It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?