Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
we’re gonna need another temp
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong