[adds another nod to the conversation]
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[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
(more comics:
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay