*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
pictures of spider-man
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.