Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
dam girl
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
wtf management?!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Feel. He’s so soft.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
sigh
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.