I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Beware of the dog..
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.