ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean