*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
In a library, I find it鈥檚 best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal鈥ave you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Need special medicine for our son鈥檚 kidneys but we can鈥檛 afford it because we bought printer ink last week 馃檨
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Me: I鈥檒l have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I鈥檓 sorry, sir. It鈥檚 after Labor Day.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don鈥檛 tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Boy: call me daddy 馃槈
Me:
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn鈥檛 have the heart to tell her it鈥檚 actually my kids.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.