ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.