SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
You Might Also Like
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.