RT if you could go either way.
You Might Also Like
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.