[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
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I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Cartman: Respect my
a a
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Do not steal food from the science building!
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.