Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
do what now??
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
road rage