When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
stand with me against insufficient seating
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
the short answer to this question
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you