In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I think about this a lot
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
same energy
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.